Mail über Indien 

IP:	182.74.172.130
Decimal:	3058347138
Hostname:	182.74.172.130
ASN:	9498
ISP:	Bharti Broadband
Organization:	Bharti Airtel
Services:	None detected
Type:	Broadband
Assignment:	Static IP
Continent:	Asia
Country:	India
State/Region:	Karnataka
City:	Bengaluru 

Zitat:

Today once again I see your letter xxx, and that means ... That you are interested in me. And you want to know me better! And I think I should tell you more about myself, my interests, and some of my life, past life and present situation.
As I wrote to you in previous letter, I was born and now live in Serbia. Up to 17 years old, I lived with my mother and her man. My native father left us when I was 3 years old. The coward said that he was tired of family life, and that he needs freedom. For mom it was very difficult at that moment, but she got help! Her friend, who later became my stepfather and he replaced for me my father. Some time after that, my native father asked for forgiveness, and wanted to return to us. But mother could not forgive the betrayal, and so did I.
My stepfather took over my education, and gave me a lot of good in this life. He helped me in my childhood, taught how to ride bicycle, played with me much time. He even made for me soup, when I was sick. And I understood that he was not my native father, but I still call him  “my dad”. And he also loves and helps all the time to my mother. And looking at this strong love, this happiness, I understood what is a real relationship and a real family should be. And I love it, and I love my mother. They are my family.
 
In 17 years, they have helped me to collect the money and enter university. After finishing it, I moved to a city where I now live, work, and  write a letters for you. It’s not a big city, but I like it. It’s quietly, calmly, and most importantly, a lot of good people who knows me. I think you understand what I mean ?! Or maybe you prefer big, noisy cities? My parents are living in another city, and I sometimes visit them.

In my life there were men, and I had a relationship. But all of these relationships ended. The reasons were different. And if to take the main reasons, it’s that I was betrayed few times, and the fact that my man was not a real man .... How can I explain to you properly? The man is not someone, who only have male physical characteristics. As we know that there are gay's, there are a transvestite, I think it is very difficult to call them “men”! (I normally treat all and gay's and transvestites - it is their choice, their life). But I mean another men, who were in my life. Who could not perform their promises, afraid of serious relationships and were always dependent on the opinions of others people (friends, family or strangers). But I dreamed of and wanted to be near the real man. Who has it’s own opinion, his own views. I would like to be with such man and know that he will not betray me, do not strike me and will not hurt me. Such few usual things, and to admit, I think these men are not exist. Or am I wrong ? I really do not look at age  of man at all (my stepfather elder my mom on 22 years), I understand, I see that it is absolute not important. And that age difference can not be a problem for me ever! Externality is also not a problem. As my friend said, "if a monkey suit in human clothes, it would not become a human!" And I agree with her. I look at the ideas, thoughts, at a glance, look at how a person communicates with me right now. And this is important for me. And only then, I  be able to understand whether or not to start any relationship, or just stay friends. But it is very difficult ... very difficult to find someone, to whom I am ready could give everything what I have, totally myself.

That's why I'm still single here and I do not have a family and kids. And I can’t say that I’m happy with everything. If I was now just 22 years old, or at least 25. So I would not look for man myself. But this loneliness ... this cold ... And the realization that my life goes and I just  waste life time .. Being a single - it is really hard. Being alone is very painful. And I think you understand me. And despite the fact that I have friends, I have parents, I still feel a void in the soul, in my heart. And this feeling that this void has pushed me to do this act, to write you a letter. In the hope that I can find ... only. But even if I can not find happiness and love, I still will be glad to have new friend. Do you agree with me ? Communication, learn something new, someone new. See the look at this world of another person. It is informative and interesting! Do you agree with me ?

As I said, I beautician, and I have a clients, who regularly use my services. And that’s why I have a free schedule of work, I will write you as soon as I have free time. In my last letter, you probably realized, that I like to write much. And I hope that you will do it.  That you will find plenty of free time, and write me more about you, your interests, your past and present life. If you do not have a time or you do not want to communicate with me, then better do not start it now. I think that if you write 1 or 3 lines, it is ... it is not communication. Just imagine, if I'll come in internet cafe to write you long letters, to talk about myself, my day, and in return  I will receive just a few words ... Do you think it would be normal? I think, if I write so dew, you would not be pleased, and you would not be of interest to write me again !?

Concerning me and my free time, I spend it at home or do a walk. I have meetings with friends and go on a visit to my friends. I do sports, read a lot. During the warmer I like to ride a bicycle. And just as it is my main transport. I had a car before, but I started to afraid drive. I saw the accident, which happened next to me, there no one hurt, but once I saw it, I had a fear of driving a car. And so, I sold it, and began to ride a bike. Especially in my small town the car does not   need so much, such as in big cities. And it is much healthier to make walking or bicycle.

I do not drink alcohol frequently. But I can afford on holidays wine or champagne a few glasses. In the past, in the years of study I smoked cigarettes, but then I dropped it. And during more than 12 years, I do not smoke. I listen to music. I prefer the classic music. My dream is to learn to play the piano and violin. I know that I can realize this dream, but sometimes I do not have enough time to attend music lessons. I love the nature, picnics. I know how to cook good, but since I'm alone, do not often do this at home, and I always have a meal at one of the cafes. But in the evening be sure to cook supper, and dessert.

My height is 169 centimeters, my weight is 57 kg. I was born  May 19, 1988. Zodiac sign of Taurus.

I think that you have enough information to begin to get to know me. And most importantly, it will enable you to understand me better and understand   if you want to chat with me now?

Just I hope that you will tell me about you. Your family, your hobbies, how you spend holidays? And what do you like to do in your spare time?

Now again I put a photo in my letter, and I will wait for your answer. And just I hope that you send me your photo.

Have a nice day!

Mail über USA 

IP:	104.131.177.9
Decimal:	1753461001
Hostname:	104.131.177.9
ASN:	14061
ISP:	Digital Ocean
Organization:	Digital Ocean
Services:	None detected
Type:	Corporate
Assignment:	Static IP
Continent:	North America
Country:	United States
State/Region:	New Jersey
City:	Clifton 

Zitat:

xxx, today I want to start my letter with one really good proverb. Hope you will agree with it. So here it is: "Without knowing the past of person, you never know him very well!"
That's what my stepfather used to say, when he was preparing me for life in this world. Giving good and useful advices, and trying to grow me in who I am now. My view of the world. He 
often told me about his own life, told me about some funny things. And for me it was like a fairy tales for the night. He is not my genetic father, but he is a real man, who raised me, taught me a life, educated me. He helped us, and loves us very much. He loves my mother, and I ... I became his daughter. And I will always consider him as my real father.

And now I think, that I need to tell you more about my past. So that way you could know me better! (Smile). When my real father left us, it was very difficult time for us. Mom could 
hardly buy food to feed me. And she herself could not have even a few days to have a rest. She understood that at any moment they could take me away and take me to the orphanage. She was afraid of this! And it used to happen that I saw how she cried at night, how painful it was! But God heard her. Her friend learned about what happened, he came to us. My mother did not want to accept his help at first. But I never forget that day. He looked at her, and said: "If you do not need my help, then think about your daughter" And he turned his head to me, and I looked at him. And for the first time I realized that this man was warm and decent. I wanted that he stay with us. But who will listen to the little girl, who saw this man only several times before(a smile)?. And then, Mom accepted his help. He began to come more often, holidays, my birthdays. He started to bring food, sometimes he gave money to my mother. But every time she did not want to take anything. And he left it, or put it not noticeably in her bag. At first, she was surprised, but realizing where it all came from ... I began to notice how my mother and our life changed. We began to live better. Mom began to smile, and her tears at night I already did not see again. And one day ... (Smile). Once I saw how they kissed. Since that moment he appeared in our house till their first time, before this kiss was over a year. They were at first scared that I would be angry, or that I would be against it. But no (smile). I hugged him, and told him not to leave us! And he stayed. Stayed  with us. 

I did not think that another person, a stranger to us, could become a native. He helped me in my studies, helped me in everything. And when here it was not a calm time and I heard explosions, and shots, he was next to us. ( I mean the terrible things that were in my country in 1999, I mean bombing of my country ).  He hugged us tightly, and said that everything will be fine! That he will not let us go, and will always be with us. That no one will harm us! And I believed, we believed him! And we knew that if he said so, then his words are not empty sound! And that he will take care of us until the end. He was near, next to us.  I was terribly scared when I heard all this. Shots, and screams. This was really scary. Now it's in the past, but many people remember those days, that few months of fear. A few months of hell. And we were very happy when all this hell was over.

About that time we began to forget, and began to walk more in nature, my mother and my stepfather worked, in the evenings we watched movies, read books. And they told 
funny and interesting moments. He also loved to read, and probably he gave me this love for books. We went for walks, went to nature, and spent time together, always! And I still like to do all this in my spare time. I mean to read books, to go for a walk in the park. I don’t like to spend my spare time in big, noises companies of people. I prefer to spend it alone or with my 1-2 of friend somewhere in cafe or to go to see some movie. I think it much better than go to night clubs, drink alcohol and not remember anything in the mornings. So maybe I’m not modern and typical girl, but I’m who I’m and I don’t want to hide it. I really don’t like to be impersonal part of the crowd. I’m enough original and individual. Of cause I think there is something that I still need to learn, maybe make some changes in my character or do some other work above myself. But I think for all this I need to have near to me the person, who will love me and support in all my beginnings. For a while I think I have no reasons to change anything. But I really want to have this changes and because of this I wrote you my first letter. 


So let’s back to my life when I was much younger. At that time, my native father, well "rested" from us began to come again and again to us, and say that everything will be fine, so that we must forgive him. But we did not believe him. I will never forgive him! I will not forgive him for leaving us, when I was a little girl. I will not forgive his for not coming to us when it was the worst time in my country! He did not remember us .... So we told him “good bye forever” and asked him to never appear in our life’s again. 

Years passed, and I finished school and went on to study further. My specialty is a cosmetologist. But I could not immediately work on this profession. I worked for the first time in a small firm. Papers and figures.  Typical office work .... every day was the same as previous. It was very boring (smile). It was at work that I met my first love. I was 21 y.o. that time. I thought that I would be happy, but it turned out that he likes to drink alcohol. And when I wanted to tell him that he had to stop, I got a blow on my cheek. After collecting the things, I left him. And I did not see him again. I left that work. I changed some jobs after that. Also began to be afraid of new relations. But over the year, I healed my wounds. Also I thought to find a normal relations again. But communicating with men, not everyone caused me interest. There were only small meetings, but then the cafe and nothing  serious. I already started how to learn and understand men better. I remembered the advices of my stepfather and began to apply it in my life. And everything began to become more better in my life then. One more time I understood that my stepfather was really wise and clever man and I’m really grateful to him for everything. 

After some time, I met another man, he was the director of the beauty salon, I wanted to get a job there. He was 24 years older than me, then I was 27, and he was 51. And I did not pay attention to it, I never considered the age as a problem for the relationship and that’s why I already wrote you about it. We talked for a long time, I recognized him. I began to trust, and something warm and nice arose between us, really good feelings. Which began to grow fast. We have been together for more than 1.5 years. He gave me everything, he had money, expensive things. But again I did not succeed in that relations. And to be honest, life has taught me another good lesson again! 

I did not come "in time" from my parents, I came a few days earlier to our apartment, wanted to make a surprise for him ! What I saw there, do not tell (smile), but the picture was like in a trivial 
melodrama about treason. He probably thought that giving me some values, money,  I'll turn a blind eye to all that he can do. But I'm not one of those who value money! I'm one of those who appreciate feelings, care, understanding. I did not arrange a scandal, and did not even collect any of my things. I just left him.... Since that time I absolute sure, that I really need in relations. And that some material things, like money, expensive presents, all this is not important for me. Maybe this one more reason to tell that I’m not like most of modern girls.  But I don’t care about it. 

Sitting on the street, and wiping away tears, I decided that I would not have any more relations at all! What it’s much better to be alone than to feel again what I experienced. I did not want to have a broken heart again. And my trust in men has disappeared!  I got in the car and drove off. I did not even think where I need to go. I was afraid to go to my parents. Did not want to upset them. I just went along the road. And at some  point, I remembered that my friend called me a long time ago to visit her! So, I went to her. By the way, I'm sending you with this my letter the picture where me and she together.

Lanilya, and her daughter met me! I have not seen them for a long time, and I was happy to meet them again. Embracing, and kissing Lanilya, I went to their house. They lived together. I just know that her man was killed few years ago. After telling her everything, she told me that I can stay with her as long as I need. And I agreed. 

I found a job, or rather I found a client who addressed to me. I saved up some money and began to rent the apartment myself. After it everything began to get better. There were new friends, who helped me. They brought their friends to whom I helped in my specialty. Someone's got a wedding, and I had to do make-up and hairstyle until evening. Some children have finished school, graduation. But I think that this is not very interesting for you. Makeup, cosmetics, hairstyles (smile). This is  interesting only for girls. (smile). So for while I still live in a rent apartments, it’s not very big, but enough for me. Some time ago I thought that I need to start save money for my own apartments. But then I sat and began to think, if I really want to spend the rest of my life here, in this country with some new man, who will again bring me disappointment? And answer “NO” to myself. So I decided just to live as I was living before and to see, what the time will bring to me. 

And again after time, I began to understand that life goes so fast. I have friends, but they are all girls. And this lack of male attention .. this loneliness, made me forget about my promise to be alone forever. And so I wrote you my first short letter. Maybe I just say silly thing, and you do not believe it. But when I walked in the Internet cafe, I looked at my feet, and thinking about what I need to get acquainted with a man, something stopped me. Raising my head, I saw an advertisement that an Internet cafe make a promo action, introduces lonely people to another lonely people from different countries. And I ..... (Smile). Something pushed me there, and I went. I was given several addresses, and they helped me to write a first letter. You answered me!
As I said, I will not hide that others man also wrote me before you, but now they are all deleted, because I told you, their requests, their words were not cultural, and they ... I do not even want to think about it . Now I'm glad that you are present in my life. And that I can share my life with you. 

Ahhhh, I think my “not a big" letter (smile), it does take you much time to read it (smile). But  I already told you that I love writing. And if I do not write so much, you do not recognize me better. So I hope you were interested to read this my big letter and soon I will see your comments about it. Hope you also be able to tell me more about your childhood, about your family and some of your relations with woman, which you had before. Maybe you could tell me, what you understood for your self from your past, what kind of decisions you accepted for yourself? Of cause if you are not ready to share with me some personal things I be able to understand it. 

I will come every day to the Internet cafe, except Sunday. And I will always answer you! If you write me the same way, and you want to communicate with me!
Have a nice day (Smile)!

Our time is running. With each new letter, we get to know each other more and more better xxx. And every letter tells us something new and interesting. More details of our life’s, our past and present. Some moments, that allows us to understand, how much we have gone through in this life. How much we understood, learned, and experienced. How many things we have missed and how many mistakes done. How many people would like to change something in their past (smile)… But we understand that it is impossible. You can not change the past. And so we need to change, build the present and think about the future. Make it really happy, without making the same mistakes.

When I saw my friend for the last time, we were lucky that the weather was really fine. And we went for a walk. I suggested her to take a walk in the street. And on the way, we decided to go to the cafe. Our conversation was about different things, I think that I should not write everything that we talked about. There were different topics: fashion, and some moments that were with us before, remembering some funny cases. But I think that I should tell you in details our conversation, which was in the cafe, where we were sitting.

Just understand, Lanilya, she is like a sister for me, I already told you about this. She helped me, she did not leave me, when it was very hard for me. And I listen to her advice, but I still do what I think is right. And she understands this. She just wants me to hear her, and so I would not make her mistakes.

When we were at the cafe, and ordered juice, and salads, she began to ask me about you. About our communication. And it was very important for her to know this. She has her own reason to worry about me. And I knew this her secret. I knew, and I could not tell you about this before. Until she lets me tell you it. And yet, she was at first opposed, but realizing that without this you can not understand her, why she is so strongly against our communication. And so she agreed that I could tell you about what happened to her some time ago!

She was one of the first who started using the Internet cafe, she also found herself a man from another country. And they ... they fell in love with each other. She talked about herself, about her daughter. And he said that he loved her very much, and her daughter also, and was ready to come after them, to take them back to his country! I remember how glad she was! She was happy, and she told me a lot about him. That he was from Germany, that he sent her flowers. And also sent some small gifts. But some of them did not reach ever, because of the bad work of our ordinary mail. And later some time, he told her that he would come to our country. She was glad to know this, prepared, and waited. He came, brought some papers with him, said that these papers would be needed for her to fly back together to his country. And all the time he tried to go to bed with her. She understood this, but did not allow it.  She afraid that this may be just a game of words, deception. And if she knew that she was right already then, then there would not be the pain that she had. Yet, he could promise her everything, and she could not resist. What else can you expect from a girl, who loves, such girl is ready for everything (Smile), if only to believe in this, in these words. But 10 days later, he packed up his things and was preparing to fly away from her. When she tried to stop him, to find out what happened, why he did this to her? He beat her, and said she was a dirty sleeper. And that he does not care about her. And that he just wanted is to sleep with her and have sex. He told her this, laughing at her when she was crying, that if she had not slept with him here, he would have taken her to his place, raped her, and threw her out into the street, like an unnecessary thing.

When you hit, it hurts, but the pain goes away. The bruise will disappear. But when somebody broke your heart, crushed your dreams, and humiliated ... this pain will never pass, and she knows it as no other. And I know it. Only now she decided that there will be no more relations in the future. And I ... I still believe that not all men are so bad!

After that situation, she went to the police, and tried to punish him. But all is unsuccessful. Our corrupt police did not want to work, the same as the police of his country. They already had enough problems with immigrants at that time.

That's why, my friend is afraid for me. And why she  was against our communication. But I still think I should try it. As I said, "if you are afraid of the past, you be not able to live in the future!"

Also, I would like to know from you a few details, small details. Which are important for me.
 
1) What is important to you in this life? ( For me, to live so that not to regret that I did, and how I lived my life)
2) Do you want to have a strong family? (Yes, I do very much and it’s my main goal for this moment)
3) What about religion? Can you call yourself very religious? (I'm Catholic, but I do not go to church very often, and I read the Bible. I do it when I feel like it.)
4) What do you expect from our letters, and our communication? (Friendship or relationship, I do not hide that I'm ready for anything. But most of all I want serious, love relations). 
5) What is your most favorite food? (I love all the cuisines of the world, I love vegetable salads and salads with chicken as “Cesar”, fish and meat soups, this is one of my favorite dishes).

And so, I will answer you if you write me your questions in the same way, in order. Then I immediately pay attention to it, and answer you to them. Of course, if I did not answer it before! Understand, I do not think that I should say to you the same things several times (smile). And so, you will ask me about something that I will consider too early to discuss with you, maybe some intimate things, then I will not answer them, sorry. Now we are just friends. And the feelings that are between us  enough interesting, a little flirtation, and knowing each other. I think you agree with me ?! Of cause I’m sure, that we will develop it by the best way together. But for this necessary more time.  
Now I finish my letter and I'll wait for your answer.

Kisses Tiyana

Today I would like to tell you one interesting things. I like to stand next to the window at night, when all people are sleeping. Not turn on the light in the room, look at the starry sky, enjoying this beauty. This silence. At such moments, I understand a lot, and I try to think about something. I remember the past, I think about the future, and I return to the present. I look at my life, and see and think, what I have in this life. Few people could say, that they does the same. Very few people, who are thinking now (smile). Reflects, and tries to find the right way through life.
For many people, this is a waste of time. But not for me! Time. It does not wait for anyone. Time never stops, and does not turn back. And I already told you about this. But today, I had such sad night. I could not fall a sleep for a long time, and decided to look out the window, again to see the starry sky. It was not so bright because of the clouds, but still, it has not lost its beauty.

We miss our time, life moments that could change us, and our future. But often we were afraid, often we doubted. and whether it is necessary to do this at all ?! And these fears always stopped us. You, me, everybody. And now we do not understand that the time that flows so is not noticeable, one day it will stop for us. Our time will stop. And we both understand this. I do not want to scare you. I just want to tell you my thoughts, that were in my head last night. And you know, I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that I will not be able to enjoy this life, I be not able to be happy, I will not be in time in necessary place. That I can not realize my dreams. And this fear tormented me all night, I tried not to think about it, forcing myself, I told myself! But if the mind has found an idea, then it will not get rid of it (smile). And no matter how hard I tried, I did not succeed. These thoughts were with me, and they tormented me, my mind. All I want in this life ..... I want to have a family, my own family. And that you understand that for me family is not just a marriage. No. The family is where you want to be, and with you the ones whom you love. And those who love you. Who care of you, who loves for that you just exist. This is a real family. What do you want, do you want the same family ?  Or maybe you have some ideas about what family should be? 

It is difficult to write this letter today, since on my face does not appear a smile. I'm tired. Perhaps, not a snap of sleep makes itself felt, and for this reason today I have a sad and sullen letter (smile). Or is all my pain coming out? I do not want this to "hurt" you with my words or make you sad. But I told you that I have nothing to hide, and that I will reveal myself to you, and trust! That’s why I’m writing you everything what is in my head, in my thoughts, in my heart. I hope you are not against it? Maybe you are not interested in such kind of sad letters from me? 

I'm tired of being strong xxx, tired of fighting, going forward, and trying to find my happiness! I beg you, I do not want to offend you and I hope that you will correctly understand my words. I really like you very much, you understand me, and you are not like everyone else! And I even thought that we could start communicating on a new level, on a new "stage" of relations. But when this thought occurred to me, I was afraid to tell you about it. I was afraid that you would laugh, I fully understand that these are just letters for now. And I'm not sure that you ... you feel these letters, these words just the same as me.

I know and understand how hard it is for you maybe to believe me, my words. Some strange girl, who suddenly appeared in your life (smile).  But I ... I do not want to hurt you. Even more so when I understand you, and I know that this will mean it to you. But in the depths of your heart, in your soul, I feel there may be some doubts. Sometimes I feel this fear, that maybe you think I’m  not a real. But you know, that not a real girl could not put so many feelings, ideas into letters, these words that you can feel, when you read this, read me, my letters. And by this I'm trying to get your trust, total trust. Since I already trust you ..... I did not want to say this, but my friend keeps discouraging me from communicating with you all the time. But I do not want to listen to anyone. This is my decision, my life, and if I make a mistake, it's only me who is to blame, and no one else! And I'm not afraid of anything anymore. It will not be more painful, I already know for sure.

Today I am confused in my thoughts. So much I would like to tell you, and already told. But realizing that this ... this will only make me have feelings for you, other feelings than just friendship. I understand that I can not do this step. I want to, but ... but do you want this yourself? Could you at least believe a lot and trust me? Could you feel my warm in my letters, the warmth that I feel for you? Or all this for you just words and you don’t feel anything after reading it?

I understand that probably you may say it’s stupid, and this my letter will only push you away! Maybe ?! And maybe it will change something for the sure? But I'm telling you this, because I understand that the time that passes in my life, I will not be able to return. And that I do not want to be lonely anymore, and that I'm feel so cold and lonely here! I want to be happy. And you ?

Perhaps, I should finish this letter on this. Should I send it to you or just delete and write another one? I've been thinking about this for a enough long time. But still, I'll click "send". And what will happen next ? I do not know myself........
Have a nice day!

Your Tiyana

What's a beautiful day today, since I got your letter xxx. I liked all what you wrote me. Your thoughts about our feelings are very important to me. I need to know this in order to understand .... to understand you, to know more, more better, more deeper! And also it was probably my most enjoyable moment in my job today. And I'll tell you all about it in detail, because I believe that it will be very interesting for you! I hope so.

But for beginning I want to say, that  I'm glad to see your words, I'm glad that you understood me, and accepted what I told you. That you accepted my feelings, what I think about you, and what I really feel for you. This is not a joke and not a dream, not a game, and not an empty words. This is reality. I have feelings for you, warm, and caring. I know what I'm talking about! And I can not be wrong. And I know that we took the first step, confessed to each other in sympathy, feelings. But I want you to understand that we do not have to rush with it! I still have a lot to learn about you. And you have to decide a lot, consider everything. And we both understand that we need a meeting. But not now. No! I hope, that you will understand, and you will be patient.

I will not hide that every letter will bring us closer to this moment, but in any case we need some more time. We still have much to discuss and understand some important things! Understand that means for you these feelings, what do you want from this relationship? What do you value and how do you see our future? And of course I must answer these questions for myself!

Saying "I love you", especially writing it in a letter, it's enough easy. For many people, this is an empty words. Which only may speaks about sympathy, and nothing more. But not for me. And on this, I want you to understand, most importantly, that you take it seriously. If you think that all this is just an Internet romance, flirting, and all this is just virtual. Then you are mistaken. This is reality, these are my true feelings. My confession. I have discovered to you not only my soul and my life, but I also opened my heart to you, and you must understand this.

Now it is very difficult for me to find the right words. There are so many thoughts in my head now. So many questions, on which I do not have an exact answer yet. Fear, joy, not confidence in my decisions. Feelings mingled in me, in my head. And I struggle to understand everything. Find a solution. To understand the most important question is -  if I again made the mistake of confessing to you my feelings ?! Understand, you can write me beautiful words, I know it. But are you that man, who will be next to me and will be happy to love me, to be the most close and dear person for me? Do I repeat my past, which I'm trying to forget so much? Will I again feel that pain, that betrayal, disappointment? Will I be afraid again that you can hit me? No matter how hard I try to forget it, all my past, past pain, it's not so easy to forget. Sorry that I tell you all this now.

I beg you, do not take offense at my words, but I'm only telling you everything, that I think, that I feel! You know what fear is, when you're afraid that the past will happen again! You know this as well as I know, I’m sure. And you're afraid of it. Afraid that I can play with your feelings. I can break your heart. And that's why you must understand me. Understand my fears, because I understand yours. And with all my might I try not to do anything that could hurt you. What could cause fear, fear love me!

I try to remove all bad thoughts, doubts, in the depths of myself, "close" and not think about it again ever. I need to believe you! Believe your words. Because if I do not do this, I will not trust you. And  then we will not be able to take further steps. And I want, I want to love you. You attract me to yourself like a magnet! And I will ask you only one question.

Will you hurt me, when we're together?

I really hope that you will not hurt me any way. And I promise that I will not hurt you ever!

So, probably for today it's enough to talk about issues, fears. (smile). I already told you that I had the best working day. Today I came to a girl, and she asked me to bring her daughter in order, make her a haircut, and few of make-up (the girl herself really wanted it). I understand that at this young age, this is not very good for young skin, and for this reason, I had to pretend that I use my work creams when it's just a gel for baby skin (her mom gave it to me). And we started to do her hair, and put her together. I learned that today is her birthday, and today she should look very good. She likes one boy from a kindergarten. And she wants to impress him (smile). (Here you may see, for what we are ready to receive the attention of the man (Smile)).
When I did everything, I gave her a mirror so she could see my work! She was very happy, she liked everything. I understand that everyone needs money, but sometimes happiness is more precious than anything in the world.

Now I'm finishing my letter. Now I will not think of anything, except that in my life there are you, and I'm happy with this, I think this is the most important thing!
Love you. 

Your Tiyana